Enough

Enough: to a degree that is not very high or very low; to a reasonable extent.

I'm not using this word correctly.

In moments of quiet retrospect, when I'm bombarding my mind with questions or statements, I certainly don't think of enough as reasonable.  To me, it means A LOT....the extreme even.  Am I smart enough?  I'm not reading enough. I'm not wealthy enough.  Do I have enough friends?  Is my wardrobe stylish enough?  Am I thin enough? I didn't work out enough this week. Am I doing enough?  I haven't traveled enough.  I'm not cooking enough. Am I fun enough?  Is my relationship exciting enough? And so on.  

Now that I'm a parent, I am putting my enoughs onto EJ.  Does he say enough?  Is his diet varied enough? Is he doing enough? Does he have enough friends?  Does he imagine enough?  Does he play nicely enough? He doesn't sleep enough.  He didn't eat enough.  Did he have enough fun today?  He doesn't help pick up his toys enough.

If I were to answer yes to all of my enough questions, I guess I would be an underweight, perfectly coiffed, War and Peace reading, philanthropic, decathlon participating, Hermes bag-toting woman who hosts parties every weekend.  Oh, and my son would be a verbose, articulate, early-enrollment Mensa member (is that a thing?), with a full social schedule and a steady of diet of the newest "it" vegetables and grains (hemp, swiss chard, and bulgur?), who cleans his room, sleeps twelve hours a night, and never gets upset....all at age 2.

I don't know where I got my version of enough from. My enough life sounds like the bad Bravo reality shows, which I swear I've stopped watching...mostly.  Anyways, that imagined life is cliche, ridiculous, and most importantly, unattainable.  It's keeping up with the Joneses gone mad wrong. Too much not enoughs can wreak havoc on you, and make great days only good, good days only okay, and bad days horrific.  Not worth it, my friend.

Tonight, EJ was throwing a tantrum because I wouldn't let him eat something out of the garbage.  I was tired, frustrated, and mentally running through all of the things I didn't get done today for him and for myself.  The not enough record started playing in my head.  It all felt pretty tragic.  Just then EJ ran out of the kitchen, ripped off his diaper, and started running around the living room like a maniac, literally going balls to the wall and having a blast.  I couldn't help but laugh and admire his physical metaphor.  How profound. Leaving your diaper behind and going all out is enough.  Or, just showing up and muddling through your day is enough. Enough is whatever you want it to be in any moment. I am enough. EJ is enough.You are enough.