Red Flags

I'm here to help.  So today, rather than give the play-by-play of my seven-month run with the dashing, pretentious boyfriend, I'm going to share some of the warning signs I noticed but chose to ignore.

[I watched the Kristen Wiig, SNL perfume skit in preparation for this post, so at the end of each line, imagine the narrator whispering "red flag" to warn that someone is bat sh** crazy].

RED FLAGS:

• He is 38 and NEVER (ever) puts down his phone. (RED FLAG)
• He texts more than a 13-year-old girl, and that is his preferred method of communication with you.
• He checks in everywhere on Four Square...important places like Valero gas stations, Starbucks, etc.
• He stalks Instagram...first thing he does in the morning and last thing at night.
• The first thing he does after asking you out is update his Facebook status.

• He often reminds you of how he dated a Jets cheerleader for a hot minute. (RED FLAG)
• None of his relationships have lasted longer than two months...and he's been divorced for five years.
• But he thinks you'll last longer because you are "older" and "smart."

• He is shorter than you but always justifies why that's good... (RED FLAG)
• Otherwise, his ego would be too big.

• All of his friends are much younger than him, incredibly wealthy...and live with their parents. (RED FLAG)
• He and the aforementioned friends talk about gluten...A LOT.
• They hang out at polo matches in white shorts. Some wear fedoras.

• He doesn't get you a birthday card or gift after six months of dating. (RED FLAG)
• But he does acknowledge verbally it's your birthday and reminds you of the expensive  meal he sprang for. 

• He's so controlling about cooking that the one time you make a side dish, he gives a thorough critique... during the meal. (RED FLAG)
• He sends a follow-up email with more suggestions for the side dish the next day.
• Two days after that, he reminds you it could've used just a little more salt.

• He keeps a lot of clothing in the trunk of his car. Full outfits. (RED FLAG)
• Upon reflection, you only remember a rotation of seven different ensembles.

• You've never been to where he lives. (THAT'S A MAJOR RED FLAG)
• You've never even been given an address...he has a PO Box.
• He may have mentioned once he didn't have a kitchen?